new low.... made out with someone while peeing
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
of course. lets lasso hookers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
