I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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