Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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