I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
