So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
