I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
