I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
