i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
