the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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