I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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