He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
