Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
