Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Randomize
