There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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