I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
