He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
