you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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