you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
