Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Randomize
