Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
