my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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