Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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