No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
