dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
