i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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