i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
