I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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