Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
