if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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