ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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