we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
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Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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