i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
