I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Pants are for mortals
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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