I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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