my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
