Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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