Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
