sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
