I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
