I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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