so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
