I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
