my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
