I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
