Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
