There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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