i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
did you just send me my own nude
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize