suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
