oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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