You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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