# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
