Swine flu. Run for my life!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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