dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
