3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
