then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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