Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
