seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
